Over the past 10 years, I’ve attended or been part of more than my fair share of weddings–14 plus to be exact. I’ve witnessed a number of those marriages end and others be filled with constant, unreasonable, unnecessary strife. I cannot lie. It has affected my perspective and outlook on saying “I do.”
Many people say that marriages end over sex and money but after years of what I consider “field observation,” I think the issues that destroy marriages are present ever before the vows are declared.
Issue 1: Knowing Who We Are (Self-Identity)
We don’t know who we are as individuals. If I am not secure in who I am, is it possible for me to choose a partner? I don’t thinks so. Unhappy, dissatisfied single people tend to become even more unhappy, dissatisfied married people. No one, other than myself, has the power to make me happy. It’s okay if our mate makes you happier, but they should not be the source of your happiness. I must take the responsibility and time to fully understand myself and to be content with who I really am–the good and the bad.
Issue 2: Fear of Being Alone
We are afraid to be alone or last to marry so we choose the first person that expresses an interest or that arouses us. They’re eye-candy or maybe flesh-candy is a better term. In fear, we compromise our non-negotiable standards expecting the person to change or that we will have the power to break their will and force them to conform to our standards. If you can’t take a person as they are on day one, leave them alone on day two.
Issue 3: Lack of Planning
We spend more time planning to get married than we do planning to stay married. We should take time establish safeguards and agreements that will help insulate our marriages against the common areas of conflict–lack of communication, lack of intimacy and lack of finances. Disagreements, trouble and challenging times will come so it is unwise to NOT plan and prepare for what you know will happen. Yes, the wedding day is important, but it is just a day; the days that follow are far more important; those days will leave an impression and a legacy for the generations that follow.
I am divorced from the mindset that getting married will make me whole or happy. I am divorced from the lie the being single is a failure or something to be ashamed of or that a woman who gets me hot will keep me warm as the seasons of life pass on. I am divorced from the idea that the expense to have an impressing or memorable wedding should exceed the investment that should be made in building a foundation for a strong, durable relationship.
I am moving forward never married and divorced.